Selfish rant, pay no mind.

Okay this is just for me to get everything out so please don't comment. I don't tell people everything, or really anything when I'm upset so please don't feel compelled to read this, but if you do read, please pretend as if you hadn't. I really can't talk to people about myself.

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I'm awful, I'm selfish, I'm a disappointment. Everytime my family talks to me, this is what I take out of it. My sibling frequently tells me how horrible I am, and that I don't care about anyone in the house. However false this statement, I can't help but feel guilty everytime he says it. I don't know what to do anymore to please anyone. I'm constantly told I'm lazy, snobby, mean, selfish- why did they bring me into this family? I'll never figure it out. I try so hard just to make them happy, but it hurts. It never works anyway. In school, I'm pressured for grades, which is understandable. But this year I was not doing as well as I usually do, because to me, almost everything got harder. I did okay, but just not as well as years past. My parents got the impression that I didn't care. I was never actually "punnished" but inside I begged to be. I would gladly take a grounding rather than be looked at like a failure or a lost cause. This year is going to be so much worse because of SATs and college planning and I don't think I can take it. I've always been able to put on a happy face, so well that no one even asked if I was okay because they just assumed that was the case. Always happy. Either that or they just didn't care. But now I'm breaking down and I don't know if I can put on a smile again this year.

It's not just school, it's everything. According to my parents, I'm a terrible sister to my younger brother, I have an attitude problem, and I just don't care. Everytime I try to talk to these people I get lectured or yelled at. So I go for a while without talking, which also gets me in trouble. I've tried explainging to them that I can't speak because I don't know what to say that won't get me in trouble. Mother takes it the wrong way and she gets mad, and she thinks I'm mad when really, I'm just frustrated. I'm scared that nothing is going to turn out like I've been planning since I was really young because maybe I really am lazy. Maybe it is coming to the point where I don't care. But I do care about my family, and I try to be a good daughter, sister, student and friend. I guess I'm just incapable of being such.

I'm selfish. I'm careless. I'm sorry.

"You can take my life, but you can't take it with you."